Fuck boys. We have all heard of them. How to tell if he’s a fuckboy you ask? He’s that guy who is only in it for the sex. It’s the one who pretends to be emotionally switched on when, really, he is emotionally stunted. We can’t blame them – something must have happened along the way in life to make them that way. But, we can’t excuse them for it either and allow them to trash our lives.

There’s many a fuckboy out there

Sadly, there appears to be absolutely loads of them out there. How to tell if he is a fuckboy can be very difficult, actually. They are walking, talking and acting like normal humans. Potentially, they are wooing girls with winning lines and delicious dinner dates. We can’t be blamed for falling for those lines – or those people. For we’re only human with normal emotional reactions when something fabulous is in front of us – even if it’s just dirt and deception dressed up nicely.

So, we think we’re onto something …. then they run away screaming …. only to move onto the next girl who they have swiped right for. It’s usually at this stage that how to tell if he’s a fuckboy becomes abundantly clear.

My fuckboy experience

So, I dated someone. It was bloody brilliant … or so I thought. Temporarily, I put him at the top of my (metaphorical and literal) to do list. I lived my best life in front of him only to be booted out of his. We were not in it for the same reasons at all. Don’t lots of us feel that way?
Who are the girls who really want to be just fuck buddies with someone? Does any girl honestly just want to be a dial-a-shag? I just don’t think so. I may be wrong, of course. There are a few Samantha’s in this world, I know. But, no-one I have ever met or have been friends with would settle for such shitty treatment. Some may pretend that they are totally down with that … but are they being true to themselves? I doubt it.

Even if I have been THAT girl who pretended I was so sexually liberated in the past, I could never have robotic sex and then walk away. I am not wired like that. Maybe some other girls are – I just don’t know. Also, no judgement if you’re reading this and not agreeing. I can only talk about my experiences and emotions about it all in modern dating.

Relationship, smalationship

Where does the line between serious and non-serious lie? It’s obvious that a 2am booty call probably isn’t going to lead to much else in the cold light of day. But, if there’s public outings, long conversations and actual connections with things other than the contents of your pants, is that still non-serious? I doubt it.

They say men can have sex without emotion. As I am not a man, I don’t know if that’s true. I can only speak for myself. Sex triggers an emotion in me which gives me an invisible connection to someone else. That will only be enhanced if the person presents himself as a decent human at the same time. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it and let’s continue to hang out together and see what happens … right?

So, what is a relationship? Is it friends with benefits but with a fancier title? Is it when you move in together, when you spend every waking minute in each other’s pockets, and you wait for when they will go down on bended knee to make it double official? Or, can it just be having someone to tag in funny memes and eat takeout with on a boring Tuesday? I vote for the latter. It is friends with benefits – in all of the right ways. Just maybe with the potential that you may just be best friends forever with no requirement at all for a big white dress.

The future

I am not looking to get married again any time soon. Nor am I looking to get another bun in the oven yet, either. But, I don’t want to spend time with someone who denies me from their existence. I want someone to wake up and think “Oh my god, I am with Jude” (in a good way) – just like Ross says to Rachel in one of those pivotal scenes in Friends. Not to reach for their phone and still be swiping away on a dating app as soon as the sun rises. That’s definitely one of the ways to tell if he’s a fuckboy.

But, sometimes, you can just be a bad fit with someone. You could adore them as a person, have the same taste in everything from films to food. But, something may not just mesh and, ultimately, that’s what will drive you apart.

Life lessons

So, what’s the lesson to learn? Well, I think it is to slay in your lane. Some people may just be out of your reach. This isn’t a reflection on how clever, gorgeous, fun and downright fabulous you are. It’s just that some people are not in the same ball park as us. In my opinion, this can largely be for lifestyle reasons. This isn’t just about what job you do, whether you have kids or any other obvious difference. It’s about what you prioritise and what that means you’re able to give to one another. Considering what you want from that person, both now and potentially in the future, goes way beyond just bedroom antics of the best kind.

Whatever happened with the gorgeous man I dated was never going to work out. Aside from the reasons which it didn’t work, our lifestyles were completely different. It broke me a bit physically too. So much so that I got Shingles. I didn’t even think that was possible for a 35-year-old in 2018. But, it happens when you’re stressed and running on empty. I was definitely both of those things.

So, the next time I meet someone who I am prepared to share my sofa with, I will be up front. I have more self-respect than the some of the girls who may let themselves be used by fuckboys. However, I am not saying that some women are not comfortable and happy to be only in it for the sex. I’m just saying that’s not me. Not one bit. I want more, and I won’t stop until I find it. So, how to tell if he’s a fuckboy the next time?

Be yourself – and if they don’t like it then they can fuck all the way off anyway.